The Wisdom of My Mother
- Dr. Dave Cutts, DDS
- May 10
- 6 min read
This Mother's Day, I reflect on memories and the POWER of motherhood.
BY DR. DAVE CUTTS
Last month I wrote of an idyllic moment in my young life on a Vermont late-winter day when sugaring was in full swing (read it here).
But I hinted that this was a fleeting moment of calm before life’s storms uprooted me and my siblings, and we were moved 2400 miles west to Napa, California.
Here’s that story…
Several months had passed and in late summer, I heard whisperings between my older brothers and sister.
"Daddy’s gone.”
And then several weeks later as my mother was working the night shift at the local hospital (Bellow Falls, VT), I heard:
“Daddy’s coming back tonight.”
And he did - after waiting for my mother to leave our hillside farm for her hospital shift.
I heard their excited voices below for a while and suddenly he was there, picking me up and giving me a quick hug. He smelled of cigarettes, and I felt his scratchy beard against my soft face. And then, just as suddenly as he had appeared, he was gone for 21 years - until we met again.
On his deathbed. As a stranger.
Unplanned.
In a city I was only passing through.
(But that, too, is another story for another time.)
This story is about one now-single mother whose world had fallen apart, summoning the strength to pull it together, working day and night for months, and then driving day and night for four days, with four children and a large St. Bernard dog in a ‘57 Ford sedan, with one goal in mind:
An education in private, church-schools as far as each of her children could go.
Oh, I could write of the adventures, sacrifices, proud moments, and crushing heartbreaks that I watched my mother experience in her life journey. I certainly had a front row seat. (And was the cause of some of these!)
But no. Actually, I am writing this for YOU.
As a grandparent now, watching not just my daughters become mothers, but you and YOUR daughters also become mothers, I want to reach out sometimes and say:
“I know it’s hard.”
“Really hard.”
But we need you.
And there are times you feel so very alone. Even when you are fortunate to have a wonderful husband (which mine do). There are still those times.
When you feel this, I wish for you to please remember one thing.
Your love and patience and kindness with each of your children IS the greatest power in the world.
Greater than any man-made machine or energy or technology.
It alone can heal our society.
Look around, as I have more and more lately, and notice one thing.
A child living in emotional separation from their mother is in deep, deep distress — mentally, physically, and most of all, spiritually.
Mothers, I know that you know this, but maybe this is just a note to say, WE KNOW IT TOO.
So what’s my point then if “everyone knows this already”?
My point is that life tends to overwhelm us and cause us to forget the very things that are most important to NOT forget!
And let’s not sugarcoat this. It’s hard to do this because you WILL be tested.
Your child WILL make choices you feel are wrong. And some that ARE really wrong. Tantrums. Teenage silences. “Toxic” boyfriends or girlfriends. Career failures. Heavy drinking or drugs (god forbid). Or perhaps the worst of all, brainwashing by education systems that their parents are not to be respected and treasured.
The Law still holds.
You cannot break the bond without causing harm.
It’s called “unconditional love” and it is more powerful than the sun. And it will be your greatest achievement.
It actually should have a name. Let’s just call it…
“THE ETERNAL LAW OF MOTHER-CHILD CONNECTIVENESS”
And we shall not break it or there is great penalty. For both sides.
I have witnessed it too much to say otherwise.
There is one last thing I want to pass on to you mothers that mine taught me about this law of connectedness. The very wise mother learns that loving and helping their child is just one side of a mother’s superpower.
The other side is BEING HELPED.
It also is a law.
“A CHILD STAYS CONNECTED TO A PARENT ONLY IF THEY FEEL THEY ARE HELPING THEM.”
So very wise mothers build into their lives the habit of allowing their children to help THEM.
That’s a bit trickier than it sounds.
My mother, for example, had to learn to be strong and independent to survive.
If she felt that too much attention was being directed toward her she would say, “Don’t make a fuss!”
In the last years of her life I noticed that changed.
It almost seemed that she consciously allowed for opportunities for me, and others, to counsel her, to help her.
One of her last requests was that I give her memoriam at her service. Honestly, the family was surprised and so was her local minister.
But I knew why.
It was her greatest gift to me possible.
Allowing me to contribute to her, to honor her, to thank her…
To help her one last time.
It was a long and painful flight back to Boston and the drive up to Maine that summer day 30 years ago. I was mourning the loss of not just my Mother, but also my only parent, confidant and friend.
I admit I had to pull over to the side of the road a few times, and I was getting concerned that I might not be able to honor her last wish for me.
When I finally pulled-up to the church, everyone was already inside and after some quick family hugs, I stepped into the little, white steepled church.
There were some opening remarks and then I stepped to the podium, looked out at the bowed heads and tears, and said what she had told me to say:
“Hello, friends and family. I have a message from Mother. ‘Please don’t make a fuss!’”
There was immediate laughter and nodding heads. I paused and looked out the open window, up to the hill above the little village where she walked so many Saturday afternoons and felt her presence, and said,
“Thanks, Mother…for everything!”
Every child has one thing above all others written in their heart - “Help my parents”. It’s their version of this Law of Connectedness.
Their happiness and success depends on whether THEY feel they are contributing to their parents. Wise mothers (and fathers) know that society unfortunately has people and influences that actively encourage a disconnect of a child from their parents.
The Wise Parent will know this and take active measures to build-up and make unbreakable this connection with their child in two ways:
1) Unconditional kindness and patience and love
2) Help; building into their everyday life being helped by their child
It is a parent’s greatest gift.
It is definitely NOT easy to do.
But in it lies the keys to the kingdom for all.
Much love,
Dr. Cutts
P.S. Thank YOU to my wife and daughters for being such beautiful examples of the POWER of motherhood!
See special note below...
SPECIAL NOTE
To my wife of 43 years:
When I first saw you, I knew I wanted you to be The One to be the mother of my children. And though it all — the twins arrival and many sleepless nights, the endless taxi-ing for four teenage daughters, their ups and downs as they grew into young ladies, and now as a devoted grandmother to their children — YOU have set a standard for all of them to live by.
From all of us, all admiration and respect and love to YOU, Mamma Bella!
